“Ok, ok, I get, you got angry, but really, control yourself, don’t you see what you do?”
“Well, he got angry, you can’t reason with him now, I have to wait for him to calm down, otherwise…”
“And I became so angry at that moment! I really thought I will throw something at his head!”
“When I heard what he said about me, I felt like a cold thrill on my back and started to plan how to get revenge”
We talk about anger right? The correct answer is no. It may be aggressiveness, shame, inferiority complex, revenge, fear and so on, depending on the context of the phrases.
The pure anger, as an emotion, generates constructive defensive reactions towards what harms us, reactions that lead to plans and offer us the necessary energy to implement those plans. It doesn’t imply the intention to harm another one, not even ourselves. Only in extreme situations, it can involve hitting the other one, as a defence and immediately elimination of an imminent danger.
The pure anger feels like a very energetic condition, when the mind is clear and fast. This way, it offers us the proper conditions first to identify what threatens us, second to find the adequate solutions to dissolve the situation.
We are able to feel it as it is very rarely (mostly because we don’t learn about it). It signals a situation existent for some time which harm us. When it’s generated by an insignificant stimulus (“my friend told me to go to a movie, and I got so angry! He knows I hate movies!”), it is actually generated by old unsolved situations, accumulated one by one.
Due to the explosion of energy, which accompanies it, and the reasons generating it, the fury degrades easily, without noticing, into other emotions, like: desire to revenge (“he should suffer too, to see how it is!”), self-destructive behaviours (we hit the walls so hard that our hand breaks), unjustified guilt (“he did so much for me, and look what I think of him!”).
It happens too rarely to learn from childhood that the anger is good, so that we can experiment it in a safe environment and learn how to use it constructively. We feel parts of it, like the huge amount of energy that is supposed to support us on at least mid-term actions. We also feel the unsettledness which seems to be uncontrolled only because its role is to alarm us that something is harming us and there is no time to waste. But we misinterpret these signals and we start offending, hitting the other till the energy diminishes. We start all over again when the next round of energy kicks in. And then again, because we almost never eliminate the root cause, the real danger and our body continues to produce anger, to warn us. In time, the reactions become more and more destructive, for us or for those around us. This happens because we usually don’t learn anything meanwhile, we just diminish the energy, but we don’t change the way we approach the signals. This is how we can explain why someone who slapped you will punch you next time. Although he / she really regrets the reaction, nothing will stop him / her next time when the energy is too intense and she / he feels the urge to reduce it.